We've got some pretty useful stuff here, and the not so useful.
Here are some not so useful top tips. Don't try these at home, please.
1. SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in
every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the
escaping gas.
2. AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast
wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
3. TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your
indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the hell you're
going.
4. PENSIONERS. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopaedias next time you go for a
drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front window.
5. SAVE the cost of installing cable TV by taping current editions of Top Of
The Pops and then watching them in fifteen years' time.
6. OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.
7. KEEP a hammer close to your bed in case any nails fall out of the ceiling
at night.
8. INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in
the garage.
9. NEVER attempt to fasten your shoelaces in a revolving supermarket door.
10. TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which
items you have recently run out of.
11. MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking
their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.
12. SAVE on charity donations by spending a pound on clothes at a charity
shop, then selling them for 50p to another charity shop. This way you can
give twice as much, at half the cost.
13. NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by
simply peeling it off.
14. EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative,
but beware of bees in the summer.
15. GIVE your friends the impression that you wear contact lenses by
blinking frequently midway through conversations, and stopping to carefully
pull at your lower eyelids.
16. WIG wearers. Secure your toupee in high winds by wearing a brightly
coloured party hat with elasticated chin strap. Carry a balloon and a bottle
of wine and you'll pass off as an innocent party-goer.
17. PENSIONERS. Don't forget to retire to bed before 8.00 pm so that you can
get up tomorrow at the crack of dawn and go and collect your morning paper
while anyone with any sense is still sound asleep in bed.
18. APPLY red mail varnish to your nails before clipping them.The red nails
will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red
carpet, in which case a contrasting varnish should be selected).
19. PUTTING just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
20. WEIGH your pet by first weighing yourself, then weighing yourself again,
this time carrying your pet. Deduct the first weight from the second to
reveal your pet's weight.
21. MUMS! When clearing up after a children's party, always burst balloons
before throwing them away. This way you use far fewer dustbin liners.
22. HOLIDAYMAKERS. Avoid the need to pack bulky shampoo bottles, which can
leak in your suitcase, by arranging for the whole family to have 'skinhead'
haircuts a day or two before departure.
23. PLASTIC tops from smartie tubes make ideal Frisbees for a pet gerbil or
hamster.
24. MAKE a miniature 'mouse trap' for flies by using a spring-loaded wooden
clothes peg, baited with a winnit.
25. FUN-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars, for dwarfs.
26. GARDENERS. Wrap seedling potatoes in a wire mesh before planting. Hey
presto! Ready cut chips at harvest time.
27. KING-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars, for giants.
28. PRETEND you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating
bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with your wife.
29. NORMAL-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars bars for dwarfs, as
well as fun-sized ones for giants.
30. BEE keepers. Keep bee hives in strawberry fields to get jam instead of
honey.
31. PRETEND your house is a pub by stubbing out cigarettes on the carpet,
watering your cans of beer and kicking your wife out into the garden at
11:30.
32. KEEP monkeys out of your kitchen by hiding bananas on top of a wardrobe
in your bedroom.
33. PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone'
chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save
your potential employer the expense of having to make a name triangle for
your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.
34. BEER bottle tops floated upside down in the bath, make 'dinghies' for
spiders. Flies can also use them as aircraft carriers.