!! DO NOT USE THE FOLLOWING TIPS,
THEY ARE INTENDED AS HUMOUR ONLY !!
Invaluable tips to help
you in day to day life :
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of
boiling water down its throat and hey presto The blockage is almost instantly
removed.
Women: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the
boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every
time you have a minor accident.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people
as they walk up the aisle.
Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when
their guide dog isn't looking.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating
into it, before jumping in.
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with
thin strips of bacon.
Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your
name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object
you wish to view.
Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed
and on time.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of
oncoming traffic.
When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large
blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes
again.
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger
in an emergency.
Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or
death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in
the first place.
Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that
you catch in the act.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive
vibrator.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by
running a bit slower.
Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight
down the pan.
Pretend you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating only
bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.
Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymetrical bulge in your right arm by
masturbating furiously with your left arm too.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in
the sink.
Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one
of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the
butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal.
Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes
exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made
aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a
nice Steak.